Broken

The holidays this year seem particularly dismal to me. This is far from my norm. I am usually in the Christmas spirit before Thanksgiving. It's always been my favorite time of year. I guess I owe that to my parents for always making it magical. This year is just seems blah. Here we are one week away and I don't feel Christmasy at all. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. A wonderful husband, my family, my job, my pets, friends, a house that is warm, food on the table, cars that run, etc.

I can narrow my feelings down to two things.

First, the infertility stuff. Accepting the fact that things don't work the way they are supposed to is not easy. We are just at the beginning of our infertility journey and already, it is SO daunting. At times, it consumes me and it's all I think about. My poor husband has been nothing but supportive. He is my rock. He listens to me talk about it constantly, wipes my tears when we have a set back and holds my hand through all the hard parts. I don't tell him often enough how much all that means to me and how thankful I am that he is my partner in all this mess. He loves me, no matter how broken I may be. He tells me all the time that this is our journey and no matter what happens, we will go through it together. Sometimes I forget how much this must affect him, too. I am a very lucky girl to have him by my side.

I know I need to try and focus on other things. The rational part of me realizes I have no control over this situation and I can only do so much. Involving myself in other projects and staying busy are some of the best things I can do for myself. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop my irrational side from being consumed by wanting a family of my own. I usually stay sane by frequently reminding myself that we will have a family someday...one way or another and that for now, we have each other.

Second, my family's Christmas this year is broken up, which bugs me. It has never been broken up before. Since Nick was born, we have had our family Christmas a few days after the 25th. This is the first year we won't all be there on the same day and it sucks. We are doing it in two parts, so at least we will all see each other, even if it isn't on the same day. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. It seems like the older we get, the harder it gets. I don't think it'll get any easier any time soon either. Many people would tell me that I should be so lucky and that there are many people that don't get to see their families at all around the holidays. That being said, I'm doing my best to get used to the way things are this Christmas and will probably be for the foreseeable future.


I am sure I will come around and the Christmas spirit will kick in. It is just so much later than normal this year. Despite how negative this post sounds, I do realize how much I have to be thankful for and even as I re-read it, I am thinking how blessed I am and how I need to just be happy in the moment, as much as possible.