Friday, January 21, 2011

Just a Number

Well, today is CD5 and I started the second round of Clomid two days ago. When I called my doctor to get my prescription called to the pharmacy, I asked the overly cheery voice on the other end if the doctor was going to up my dose for round two. She said, "no because we didn't do an ultrasound on CD12 to look at your follicles. We aren't going to up the dose if we don't know if it is working or not." I politely followed with, "No one told me I was supposed to have an US on CD12. In fact, no one told me anything about Clomid. They just called in my prescription." At that time overly cheery voice softened and said, "Oh. They usually ask if you want an US to look and see if the follicles are responding to the medicine." Needless to say, I'm scheduled for an US next Friday.

The lack of communication is an ongoing problem with my doc. First it was not getting a call with the results of my US or my husband's sperm analysis. Then, it was the mix up with scheduling my HSG, even though I called when I was supposed to (twice) and their scheduler didn't call me back. I don't feel ready to drop her and switch, partly because I like the doctor herself and partly because she is the first person that actually listened to my concerns about fertility and came back with a plan. Very unlike my last doctor who said, "Oh just have fun having sex with your husband for a year and don't worry." Easy for her to say. Totally not paying ANY attention or having ANY concern that I hadn't had a period in 8 MONTHS!!!!!!!

Sometimes I really censor what I say on here. Not really on purpose, but just because I don't know who is reading and I want to remain appropriate. Anyway, I think it is safe to say, I'm really getting tired of feeling just like a number. Why the hell don't they GET that having a family, having a BABY is what is important TO ME?? I keep getting pushed off and set back for one reason or another. The positive side of my thinking says it's God's way of letting me know my baby just isn't quite ready yet. The impatient and sometimes irrational side thinks it is unfair and that maybe I need to grow a pair and just tell the doc like it is.

1 comment:

Melba said...

Well I definitely think "growing a pair" is sometimes appropriate in life and often appropriate in the big, bad world of infertility. My suggestion would be to first make a list of questions you have for your doctor the next time you see her. Once you get those answered and before you leave the exam room, ask her if there is anything else you need to know in order for whatever procedure/medication they are prescribing to work properly. To me, the bottom line is that it is YOUR time, YOUR money and ultimately YOUR family on the line here. It's OK for you to give your doctor that reminder. You are her customer, after all.

Regarding the blog censoring, I think that's pretty normal. It's only natural to wonder who's reading and what they might be thinking. Still, I find that my most cathartic posts are those where I truly let go and write from my heart.

You know I'm always around if you need/want to talk about any of this. I like your motto that YOUR baby just isn't quite ready yet. I do think there's truth in that. While we were dealing with IF and then later while we were in the waiting stages of adoption, I picked a symbol of hope for myself. In my case it was a cardinal but honestly it could be anything that makes you feel good. Anyway, throughout that entire journey, every time I saw a cardinal I took that as a sign that I was on the right track and that things were happening exactly as they should. For me, symbolic things like that really help me keep it all in perspective, especially when the going gets tough.