Friday, October 28, 2011


Regrettably, it has been way too long since I have updated my blog. I guess time just got away from me, as it so often does.

The best and most exciting news I have is that I am 30 weeks pregnant!! I feel so blessed to have this tiny miracle growing inside me.

After we fired our doctor(see last post,)we decided on an infertility specialist in Ann Arbor. He is by far the best doctor I have ever had. Something he said, along with his bedside manner made me able to relax. He didn't do anything different than what we were already doing, except an immediate ultrasound and some dose tweaking. He was just so reassuring. He told me that on ultrasound, my body was responding to the Clomid, but that I just needed a bit more. I felt able to trust him. We saw him through two more rounds of clomid for a total of four rounds.

The last week of April, I took a negative test. We were pretty disappointed, but figured we would keep trudging along. The next week, on May 1st, I still hadn't gotten my period. I was telling my oldest sister about some of the symptoms I was having like sore breasts and cramps. She urged me to take another test. I really didn't think I should, but on the way home that night, I found myself swinging into CVS. It seems so surreal now. I got home and told Jason I was going to take a test. We both needed to go to bed as it was a late night. He thought I should wait to take it, but I just didn't feel like I could. I went on the voyage into the bathroom alone and did my deed. I put the test on the counter and tried not to look at it while I waited. When I allowed myself to look, I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to compare what I saw to the picture on the box to be certain. Then I told Jason he needed to come in there...NOW. When he did, I think he was shocked, too. We both stared at the test for a few minutes. When it started to sink in, we hugged...there were a few tears. I remember being so excited I could hardly contain myself. We immediately decided to call our families. We called mine first. They were all still at Mom and Dad's. Everyone was excited for us. There was a lot of cheering and well-wishing. After that, we called Jason's parents and made an excuse to go over there (they live a mile away). We talked to them for a few minutes and then shared our news. They were both very happy for us. It was a pretty incredible night.

There was a bit of stress at the beginning because of some stubborn spotting and cramping. We waited for a long time and then I was a basket case during the first few weeks all the time. I felt an underlying sense of worry until I could feel the baby. Actually, I guess that sense is still there. I will probably will be for the rest of my life! It is definitely less prominent when I feel the little peanut move around though.

It has all been sort of a whirlwind. I can not believe it almost November. I remember not being able to imagine getting this far. Now, I wonder where all the months went. I will try to keep this more regularly updated. For now, I must sign off and get myself some sleep!

Monday, March 21, 2011

You're FIRED!!!

It's been a few weeks now, but we finally bit hte bullet and fired our doctor. It was a long coming decision with all the things that kept happening with each cycle. The last straw was when I was a few minutes late for a specific cycle day US, (by a few minutes, I mean 5 or 10) and I was told I would have to reschedule because they schedule their ultrasounds every 15 minutes the whole day and have no leeway for anything different. Rescheduling would have meant being put back yet another month. I was at my wits end. I think Jason and I both new it was only a matter of time anyway. We both never really felt like that was the place we were going to get the help we need. This whole process can be so incredibly daunting and lonely, it was hard to finally make the leap and find a new doc, even though, in our heart of hearts, we probably knew from day one.

Out of all this was born the need to delve in and find out who I should make an appointment with, so I started doing some research. I asked around and I searched online and read several different MD profiles and qualifications. After a few days, I started making some calls and came up with an office in Ann Arbor that just so happened to take our insurance. **BONUS** I was able to make an appointment and got in just a few weeks. **BONUS #2**

We had our appointment last Friday and I'm happy to report, it went extrememly well. I felt comfortbale from the first phone call all the way through the appointment. Everyone was professional and kind. The doctor was, without a doubt, the best doctor I have ever seen. Extremely thourough and encouraging. Very knowledgable. I can't say enough good things about him or anyone else I have dealt with in the office. It was so refreshing and relieving to have them truly seem like they care about what we are going through.

For the first time in several months, I actually feel hopeful again. It is nice to have a little of that restored, even if we do have a long road ahead of us.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Moving on to the 3rd

Well, clomid didn't work for round number two. Started taking it again today for the 3rd round. They did at least up my dose this time. I know it is easier said than done, but I am definitely trying not to get my hopes up this time around. It is such a downward spiral every time there is a negative pregnancy test.

It was always hard before, but now that we are actually on fertility drugs, it is much worse. I've been depressed this time around and really feeling like I need something to change. Everything in my life feels like it is in limbo. I guess maybe I need to find a hobby, start doing something with my spare time. Something to get my mind off of getting pregnant. I think I am going to start scrap booking again or maybe making more hand painted signs. I haven't done that, or anything to stir my creative juices in a long time.

I've been toying with the idea of getting a puppy. Most people would call me certifiably crazy since we have two dogs and three cats already, especially my husband. It probably sounds stupid to most, but I feel like I need a baby to nurture. What better baby than a puppy for someone who loves animals as much as I do? My husband has been trying to psychoanalyze me. He wanted to know about all the animals I have gotten (which is A LOT) and what is was going on in my life at the time so he could see if there were any common denominators. Nothing like your own spouse to make you feel crazy. In his defense, I am putting him in a tough position and he is doing his best to be supportive.

He says most of the time, people are in pretend-normal phase. Every day life, things are okay. Then something happens, a trigger, and they move to an acting out phase. According to him, the negative test was my trigger, now my unbridled desire to add a puppy to our family is my acting out phase. You either have to find a way to break the cycle (i.e. get a hobby) or ride it out and get back to pretend-normal.

He asked me if it bothers me that he thinks that. I told him it kinda does, which is true. But it bothers me more that he is quite possibly right. I still want a puppy. But I am going to try really hard not to make and rush decisions and see what happens.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Just a Number

Well, today is CD5 and I started the second round of Clomid two days ago. When I called my doctor to get my prescription called to the pharmacy, I asked the overly cheery voice on the other end if the doctor was going to up my dose for round two. She said, "no because we didn't do an ultrasound on CD12 to look at your follicles. We aren't going to up the dose if we don't know if it is working or not." I politely followed with, "No one told me I was supposed to have an US on CD12. In fact, no one told me anything about Clomid. They just called in my prescription." At that time overly cheery voice softened and said, "Oh. They usually ask if you want an US to look and see if the follicles are responding to the medicine." Needless to say, I'm scheduled for an US next Friday.

The lack of communication is an ongoing problem with my doc. First it was not getting a call with the results of my US or my husband's sperm analysis. Then, it was the mix up with scheduling my HSG, even though I called when I was supposed to (twice) and their scheduler didn't call me back. I don't feel ready to drop her and switch, partly because I like the doctor herself and partly because she is the first person that actually listened to my concerns about fertility and came back with a plan. Very unlike my last doctor who said, "Oh just have fun having sex with your husband for a year and don't worry." Easy for her to say. Totally not paying ANY attention or having ANY concern that I hadn't had a period in 8 MONTHS!!!!!!!

Sometimes I really censor what I say on here. Not really on purpose, but just because I don't know who is reading and I want to remain appropriate. Anyway, I think it is safe to say, I'm really getting tired of feeling just like a number. Why the hell don't they GET that having a family, having a BABY is what is important TO ME?? I keep getting pushed off and set back for one reason or another. The positive side of my thinking says it's God's way of letting me know my baby just isn't quite ready yet. The impatient and sometimes irrational side thinks it is unfair and that maybe I need to grow a pair and just tell the doc like it is.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


At the advice of my sister, I have been checking out the Resolve website. It is a must for anyone dealing with the ups and downs of not being able to conceive. It is chock full of information about EVERYTHING having to do with infertility from emotions and the two week wait to support groups, adoption and pregnancy after infertility.

Jason and I are at the beginning of our journey, medically. We have been TTC for the better part of a year and a half, but sought the help of a doctor in August of 2010 at which time we started the journey of Provera, sperm analysis, ultrasounds, HSG, Metformin and this month, the first cycle of Clomid. There are a lot of ups and downs and for me, the two week wait has proven to be the worst. I tend to be fairly impatient and it is really hard to wait, all the while wondering if it might work, scrutinizing and over analyzing each and every pang of something that feels different in my body that could be a sign of pregnancy. Everything I read reiterates that fact that everyone is different and unfortunately, you just have to get through the wait to know for sure. Then there is that fear of even taking a test. There have been many negatives and no positives and the thought of having another negative is at the least, very unpleasant.

Infertility and all that it encompasses is no doubt a difficult road, but we all live the hand we are dealt and find ways to cope with it. The Resolve website is one tool that I have found to be very helpful.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Holidays gone

Well, Christmas is over. Except for getting my oldest sister and her family their gifts which will happen New Year's Day.

It actually turned out. Despite my feeling negative and sort of down this year, we wound up having a great Christmas. I realized one thing. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I need to try to remember that so many people don't have their families around and how hard that would be. It has been weird having the celebrations all broken up and different, but we've definitely made the best of it and had a good time, so far.

On the infertility front, I am hopeful, but making a good attempt at being realistic. I'm trying to stay relaxed and take things one day at a time. My next goal is to find a yoga class to go to once a week so that I can relax and find a way to channel some of my feelings.

Here's to hoping for a good 2011 full of new and exciting possibilities.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Cookies

I think I'm starting to come around. I made Christmas cookies for the first time today. I can't make them very often because they aren't very healthy. Anyway, I think I might make it a Christmas tradition for my little family-in-the-making. It's starting to feel a little more like the holidays and I'm going to do my best to make the most of it.

I also got a new recipe for a corn casserole that I am going to take to my families Christmas celebration. We are changing up the menu due to the new circumstances.  I'm kinda looking forward to seeing how it turns out!!

I feel like things are looking up. =)